that’s one way to put it

15 Jan

“Mommy, that man needs a hooker.”
-Kingston, age 3
He needed a hook for his action figure to hang on a “zip line”

“I’m a pothead!”
-Justin, age 2
He put a pot on his head, therefore he was a pot-head

“Mommy, look! Gabriel gave me his pile of shit!”
-Sofia, age 2
She was trying to say “pirate ship”

“When it’s cold outside, I get hard”
-Gabriel, age 3
He meant that his hands tighten into fists and his body shivers

“Mommy, don’t tickle me in my tits!”
-Tanya, age 2
I meant armpits

“Daddy, Luke Skywalker is going to whack off Darth Vader”
-Kingston, age 4
I assure you, he wasn’t talking about the porn version of Star Wars

“I’m a swinger”
-Gabriel, age 3
When asked what he likes to do at the park

Inconceivable!

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battle of the butt

21 Dec

“What do you want Santa to bring you for Christmas?” I asked the kids as we crept along in rush hour traffic.

“I want a remote controlled car,” said Gabriel.

“A remote controlled car? That sounds cool. How about you Sof-”

“And I want it to have jets on it with rocket boosters!” Gabriel continued excitedly.

“Oh. Okay,” I said, not sure if a car like that exists in the $10 range that Santa gave me.

“And wings! So it can fly!” He exclaimed. Oh geez.

“Um, so you want a remote controlled car with jets and rocket boosters and wings so it can fly?” I asked scratching my head.

“Yep.” He said confidently.

Well…shit. Santa’s going to have to get creative this year. “Okay,” I said hesitantly. Slightly afraid to continue the conversation, I turned my attention to my daughter and asked “Sofia, what do you want for Christmas?”

“I want a big booty,” Sofia said proudly. Continue reading

can’t we just like something without consequences anymore?

14 Nov

My aunt posted a facebook status with 15 interesting facts about her that people may not know.  I “liked” her status because I was happy to read it.  Then she PM’d me (that’s “Private Message” for the folks who don’t know facebook lingo) and told me that I have to do the same with a random number that she picks or else life will end as we know it, or something to that effect. Continue reading

Welcome back. I killed your fish.

5 Nov

The first time my coworker Gail left her betta fish in my care, I overfed it. Like, a lot. And he got really bloated and I was sure that he was going to die. At first I wanted to stop feeding him to make up for it but then I thought that he might die from starvation so I put him on a diet, feeding him very little on a strict schedule. It was more nerve wrecking than I expected. But I learned from the experience and so the next time she left her fish in my care I was a little more prepared. Until it started blowing bubbles. I mentioned it to another coworker and he remarked that fish can die from not getting enough oxygen. I stared at the fish as it lingered in the top corner making bubble after bubble until most of the top of the tank was filled with air bubbles, positive that he was dying from oxygen deprivation. I was devastated and just prayed that the little guy wasn’t in pain as I watched him die a slow death. Continue reading

oh hi there

21 Oct

We’d only been outside for 15 minutes when the kids decided it was time to go back inside and play with their tablets. When I was their age I was begging my mom to let me go outside and complained when she whistled for us to come back in. Clearly I’m failing as a mom.

“Hold on guys. Mommy’s just gotta get rid of these leaves I raked and then we can go inside,” I told the kids as I regretfully put down the rake. It’s not that I’m a huge yard work fan but I had only raked about 10% of our very large yard. “Oh well,” I thought to myself, “I guess I’ll have to finish it later. Perhaps during nap time.” A little whimper escaped my lips when I realized that I would be doing yard work while the kids took blissful naps.

I picked up the leaves I raked and put them in the trash can we use for yard waste. Then I brought the full trash can over to the fence and emptied it over the side (yes, I dump my yard waste over the fence into never never land instead of packaging it up in those neat little brown paper bags for the garbage man, quit judging me). As I shook the trash can over the side of the fence, I noticed a stubborn leaf clinging to the trash can for dear life. I reached out to grab the leaf when I realized it was a spider. A very large spider. Continue reading

bad mommy

10 Oct

I lie to my kids.  Like, all the time.  Go ahead, judge me.  It’s okay. I judge me too.  But before you call family services on me, hear me out.  I lie about little stuff.  Like telling my kids that Chuck-E-Cheese’s is closed and that’s why we can’t go, not because it’s a week night and 30 minutes before bedtime and Mommy is already in her PJ’s.  Little stuff.  Like, “we left your costume at Grandma’s so you can’t wear it” instead of “no, you can’t wear your costume for the 100th time this week and get it all dirty and probably rip it before Halloween.” Because when I tell them the truth, screaming fits usually ensue.  Or sometimes, the kids get clever and try to convince me why I’m wrong saying things like “but I won’t get it dirty, Mom, I promise,” and then I feel like an ass trying to convince my child that they can’t be trusted and most definitely they will get it dirty.  So instead, I lie. So as not to hurt their self esteem.   Continue reading

well that was a humbling experience

30 Sep

A facebook friend posted a link to a list challenge titled “100 Places To Visit Before You Die” stating that he had been to 38 of the 100 places. People started commenting below with their numbers. 34, 23, 51! etc. “How exciting!” I thought as I dutifully clicked the link to take the test to find out what my number is. After scrolling through 100 places and checking off the places I had been to, I finally got my magic number. Now I wasn’t expecting my number to be huge. I’m fairly young and had kids early on so traveling hasn’t really been something that I’ve been able to enjoy in recent years, but before Ryan and I got married, we were fortunate enough to visit a few places, including Jamaica, Mexico, Hawaii, Florida, a few unnamed islands – not bad for a couple of 20-something year olds! So imagine my surprise when Continue reading