He Must Really Love Me

Originally published August 21, 2008

With my first trimester coming to a close, I am finally starting to feel grounded again after this pregnancy knocked me off my socks. I definitely got off to a rocky start with all of the unpleasant symptoms of maternity. But if you didn’t know that I was sick so often that I lost weight instead of gained, it is only because my husband took such good care of me that I had no need to complain to anyone else. This poor man has put up with so much these last couple of months that I can’t believe we’re still married. It was never my intent to make him go through so much but I have learned that hormones can really change a person. I have good days and bad days, either way Ryan is usually the recipient of my hormonal emotions. There are days when the overwhelming, all encompassing, undeniable, inescapable, unbelievable, amazing love I have for Ryan intensifies immensely. And then there are days where I can’t stop berating Ryan for all of the thoughtless things he does. I have noticed that the things that normally would not bother me before, are really getting to me now, and Ryan seems to be the one always holding the dynamite stick when the fuse is blown. Let me give you a couple of examples.

Example 1. Ryan has always been the driver when we go somewhere because we both preferred it that way. But recently Ryan’s license was expired and so I was in charge of driving until he got his license renewed. However, there were a few days after work when I was so exhausted I was going cross-eyed and I would beg Ryan to drive the car for me. He would usually do so. One day after I begged him to drive, we got caught in stop and go traffic. I told him that his driving was making me sick to my stomach and that I can’t stand the way he drives. He was stuck in the position of having to get me home soon so that I would feel better, but somehow he had to do that by not making the car move, which of course is impossible. We drove on in silence. By the time we got to the house I ran inside and let go of the last few meals I had. I was miserable and I blamed it on him and his driving. But even as I was giving him the evil eye, he was dutifully holding my hair back and asking “can I get you anything?”

Example 2. Knowing how miserable I had been for weeks, Ryan surprised me one day by bringing home flowers from a florist. They were beautiful star gazing lilies and he even put them in a vase for me. I was so happy and proud of him. I took a whiff of the flowers and knew immediately that I was going to be sick if I went anywhere near them. I didn’t tell him so, of course, because I didn’t want to hurt his feelings. So I got sick silently. But when our cats started getting sick too I knew it was more than sympathy pregnancy. Ryan had inadvertently gotten a poisonous variety of flowers for cats. I put the flowers in the small bathroom and closed the door for good. Ryan, meanwhile, went around the house and cleaned up all the cat puke while his three girls (me and our two kitties) lay sleeping in the bed. A couple of days later Ryan threw out the flowers.

Example 3. This one is really hard for me to admit because it is so embarrassing to me now. Ryan went to do a load of laundry. I had just put a quilt in the washer on a delicate cycle. When my quilt was done washing he took it out and laid it sitting wet up against our dirty laundry sink, and then he put his load in the wash. After he was finished with his wash he walked away. Five minutes later I went into the laundry to check on my quilt when I noticed it sitting damp and dirty against the laundry room sink. I calmly walked up to Ryan and asked him “why the hell did you not put my quilt in the dryer? You don’t have to start the cycle but common decency would be to put it in or on top of the dryer. You’re such an asshole!” Ryan was baffled and needless to say we exchanged quite a few words. This single incident made me so mad that I had to walk away from him before I started shaking from frustration. I went upstairs irate and agitated and called a friend to help calm me down. Hormones were raging. Ryan stayed away from me that night and quietly cleaned the basement. This morning he kissed me goodbye and he has been sending me “I love you” text messages all morning.

Example 4. As a pregnant woman I haven’t had many cravings, but I have had countless days where I am absolutely starving! It takes only three minutes for me to be completely fine to so hungry that my stomach visibly quivers. Ryan will run to the kitchen to heat up some food for me, but there have been a few times when he brings me the food and I’ve suddenly lost my appetite. Most of the time I will take about five bites before I get stuffed so full I can feel the food backing up my esophagus. Yuck! I try to hide my unfinished meals from Ryan but I think he figures it out when he cleans out the fridge every week and empties out six half filled tupperware containers into the garbage. Sometimes I will try to force myself to finish my meal but Ryan can usually tell when I’m doing that, and so he’ll put his hand on my hand and look me in the eye and say, “it’s okay, you don’t have to finish it.”

I have come to conclude that this boy must really love me. And it’s a good thing, because I love him too.

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