oh hi there

21 Oct

We’d only been outside for 15 minutes when the kids decided it was time to go back inside and play with their tablets. When I was their age I was begging my mom to let me go outside and complained when she whistled for us to come back in. Clearly I’m failing as a mom.

“Hold on guys. Mommy’s just gotta get rid of these leaves I raked and then we can go inside,” I told the kids as I regretfully put down the rake. It’s not that I’m a huge yard work fan but I had only raked about 10% of our very large yard. “Oh well,” I thought to myself, “I guess I’ll have to finish it later. Perhaps during nap time.” A little whimper escaped my lips when I realized that I would be doing yard work while the kids took blissful naps.

I picked up the leaves I raked and put them in the trash can we use for yard waste. Then I brought the full trash can over to the fence and emptied it over the side (yes, I dump my yard waste over the fence into never never land instead of packaging it up in those neat little brown paper bags for the garbage man, quit judging me). As I shook the trash can over the side of the fence, I noticed a stubborn leaf clinging to the trash can for dear life. I reached out to grab the leaf when I realized it was a spider. A very large spider.

well hello, come here often?

well hello, come here often?

I immediately dropped the trash can and started doing the heebie-jeebie dance. By now the kids had gotten impatient and went back inside without me. And it’s a good thing because a long stream of profanities came out of my mouth as I desperately searched everywhere on my body looking for signs of a spider that might have gotten on me. Blech! Now normally I am not the type of person who gets scared of bugs and spiders. Ever since I was little, I have been the go to person for killing the bugs in the house because they just don’t bother me. But this was no ordinary “kill it with a tissue and toss it in the garbage” spider. This was a mutant spider that looked like it eats small children for fun. I started walking back towards the house, pulling off my gloves, my sweater, my hat, anything that could be taken off and burned in order to kill any trace of creepy crawlies that I may have touched.

After getting over the initial shock of being egregiously attacked by a murderous spider from hell, I realized that I had to get a picture of this thing because nobody was going to believe that I came face to face with Hades and survived. People think I exaggerate. I can’t imagine why.

So I went back with my camera phone out and ready for the photo shoot with the little grim-reaper-in-training, when I surprisingly found him still stuck on the side of the trash can in the same spot I left him. Apparently it’s hard for a spider to move when its ass is the size of a golf ball.   That’s when I started to sympathize with him because I know how that goes.  Maybe he’s not so bad after all, he’s just got a little weight problem.  He probably eats squirrels like I eat donuts.

With a change of heart, I grabbed my kids bucket and scooped the little porker off the side of the trash can and into the bucket (yes, I used my kid’s toy to house a possible child eating spider, stop judging me!) and he landed in it with a big thud. This guy seriously needs to stop snacking on squirrels.  Then I tossed him over the fence into never never land full of trees and a creek.  Goodbye new friend, thanks for not killing me!

oh shit, that's not an acorn!

oh shit, that’s not an acorn!

***Later I looked it up and it turns out that “he” is probably a “she” and a cross orbweaver.  Although massive, she is completely harmless. Not poisonous. Not aggressive. Super helpful in killing the bad bugs in your garden and on that note…sorry little lady, I *might* have misjudged you.

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